Self disgust is self obsession, honey and I do as I please

Well, here we are again.

Three years down the line from my last post. This is weird.

I've had a bit playing on my mind so today I suddenly remembered that blog I started years ago, why not 'get the band back together again' with the soul purpose of emptying my mental garbage bag (otherwise known as my hateful brain).

Last year I managed to get onto a course for teacher training, I'm about to start my final placement after the Easter holidays and I'm feeling a little disillusioned, overwhelmed and once again questioning my decisions. This is my pattern - I know this. Towards the end of any sort of achievement I'm about to make my brain kind of gives up and rejects anything new. So now I'm in the midst of re-questioning my questions, is this just my pattern and I should work through it? Is this my intuition telling me something? Am I completely overthinking it all and trying to write some kind of story that simply isn't there?

The problem is - I'm inherently lazy if I allow myself to be. I don't think it's because I just like doing nothing (although to an extent who doesn't?), it's more that I have so many things buzzing around my head about what I should be doing that I just get lost in my thoughts and end up doing nothing then feeling like crap about it. It's like my intentions are a bubble that just keeps expanding and expanding until it gets larger and more fragile then it reaches the point where it just 'pops' and you end up with bubblegum all over your face and the one thing you have to do is tidy up all the mess, it's a constant state of trying to stay on top of the mess.

I hope my metaphors aren't too obscure, randomer accidentally reading this drivel, but I'm not naive enough to believe that no one else feels that way, they just get over themselves and get on with it. The name for the post is a line from 'Faster' by Manic Street Preachers, I always think of it when I start going over my thoughts time and again like this - obsessing over yourself and your decisions is just one long spiral of self disgust and self obsession, serving nothing but your own ego. Perhaps that's why I'm writing it all down to try to expel it from my head so I can move on to something more productive.

So, teaching. *Shrug*. There are bits that I enjoy - finding out about new things, teaching new and interesting things - planning (pain in the arse and soooooo time consuming) but it's interesting (I seriously cannot emphasize enough how time consuming it is). Marking the work, weirdly kinda fun. Downsides - ofsted obsession, BS staff room politics are yawn inspiring - people are so fucking rude about each other and to each other and yes, the biggie - time consuming, not just planning but assessing, meetings, professional development, marking, the list goes on. The more I think about it the more put off I am.

I know that I will become more efficient in planning and it will take less time one day, but am I committed enough to push through? Is the fact I'm questioning it proof that I'm not or merely proof that I'm just human?

What do I want to do with my life? I don't think I want to spend it all in a classroom, but there are teaching options for teaching outside the classroom. I want to travel, I want to have a weekend where even just three hours are not spent working rather than spending time with those I love. I want to have a few minutes of not working at the end of the working day (which is already 11 hours at school). I'm not a martyr, I don't need to be and I honestly believe if something is unworkable I shouldn't be striving to try and make it so, there are better things I could be spending my energy on.

I'm going to try to to complete the course and look at my options. I'm going to go away and have a think about what I want. I named this blog 'Charlotte want's to change the world' - I mean that, I care about the planet, my fellow planet-dwellers and truly want to make a difference, I don't know that conventional teaching really will make the change that I need it to make. It's a burning in my stomach - I need to make the planet better for the future. I'm just a wannabe hippie stuck in the mindset of a neurotic 9-5er.

Asking the universe for some guidance...

P.S. Currently listening to the song linked above, reminds me of being a teenager, feeling invincible, defiant and ready to take on all the bullshit in the world. This thirty something shakes her head...

Come again, random facebooker?

Something happened that reminded me of this clip recently.

I received a private message from some woman yesterday over Facebook. It was regarding a comment I had posted on an image a few weeks previously. The post in question was from a group called 'anti Islam' or something to that degree (Urgh). The post was a share by some girl I *was* facebook friends with. I basically said in the message that it was disgusting sharing such a racist post, unfriended and blocked her. I may have used a few choice words in the message but the gist was there.

So on to yesterday when I went into my messages to send something. I saw this woman (as it turns out, the mother of who I replied to) had sent me a message saying her daughter hadn't seen the original group name and had later apologised (for the oversight, not the image - to be clear). She then went on to tell me I was a 'holier than thou bitch' and I am making this country so politically 'correct' (the quotations were her's). 

Well, what a fucking compliment, eh? To which I reply thank you. I'm glad you find me correct. I'm fucking ecstatic you say I'm part of such a society; I think the UK as a whole should take that as a huge compliment. 

I always like to think I have a pretty good bullshit radar and can pick friends and aquaintances within that remit pretty well, but then something like this throws me and I start questioning my values. How did I let that one slip through the net? I thought it was pretty obvious to everyone around me what I believe, what find acceptable and unacceptable, so how did I end up being in this uncomfortable position?

School friends, man. School friends... How did I know someone I knew at 15 would end up like that?! Lesson learnt, people. Heed the warning.

Let me be clear, hating on anyone for their religion, skin colour, sexuality, disability, culture etc is wrong. I am ALWAYS going to tell you it's wrong. If I am offended, I will tell you and I will remove myself from your company. I would rather have no friends than have to put up with this bullshit.

Ramblings

Without wanting to turn my little blog into one big pity party (however isn't that what personal blogs are?) I am yet again going to have a vent.

The past few weeks I've been feeling really disconnected with my job and what I want to do. I know I've outgrown the job I've had for the past four and a half years and I think in some respect I may have even outgrown the sector I work in. The next challenge is what to do next.

I'm completely stuck, I don't even know what I'm good at any more, I've just allowed myself to drift further away from the person I want to be, so far that I can't see it any more, I don't even know what direction I should be pointing in.

I feel stuck and I can't turn around. I keep waiting for a sign of what to do next, or thinking of what I enjoy doing and perhaps I could follow that? But I've allowed myself to be consumed by this job, it takes up all my time, when I'm at work, when I'm away. I work shifts all over the place and have no consistency in sleeping, eating, I don't see my friends anymore. I'm constantly tired and I've been putting off important things like going to the doctors or getting my car serviced because I just don't have any drive to do anything when I'm away from work.

I just feel like I need a break to think about where to go next, but when I'm away from work it takes so long to catch up with everyday things like tidying the house, doing the washing etc that any down time I get I can't bring myself to think of anything pro-active like try to figure out what I want to do.

I have pipe dreams like becoming a writer or a poet, or travelling, or being an illustrator. It's all just noise though because I don't know where to focus and I'm afraid that I'm just making these ideas up because I'm day dreaming about not doing what I'm currently doing. I'm too much of a daydreamer to focus on changing my circumstances.

I've been applying for other jobs. I had one interview almost straight away which threw me. It was on the morning of my birthday and I was already working a 24hr shift at work from 2. I hate interviews so much, I get beyond nervous, I always feel like crying afterwards (and usually do), I never feel like I get everything out that I wanted to say because I feel myself starting to well-up and have to pull myself back in-check.

As it happens I got an email about a week later saying I hadn't achieved. I was gutted, I still am gutted. I don't know if it was because didn't get the job or because I had a prospective end in sight that got whipped away from me and for the foreseeable future I'm going to remain where I am. I honestly don't think I can stay much longer. It's slowly turning me into a basket case. I don't want my performance to affect my place of work, but its starting to. I've mentally checked out but I have nowhere to turn.

The thing that frustrates me is that I really enjoy working hard for something. I enjoy challenges and don't quit when something's difficult. But I've lost my passion. I've lost my passion for everything. It frustrates me that one imbalance can throw everything else off so much that I can't even see the direction I want to take.

I feel trapped that I'm the main bread-winner and there's an income that we have to achieve to pay the bills each month that's just taken a knock with one of us losing a job and the new one being less well paid. I feel like a bitch for complaining about something so first-world-problem-y.

I just know I don't want to be where I am and I don't know how to get out of it. The answer may be really simple and staring me in the face but I really can't see it. I'm making excuses, I'm sure I am. But I can't see beyond them. I'm starting to wish I'd just get in an accident or something just so I can get away for a few weeks - and I know that's not a normal thing to think, so why am I thinking it so often? I'm not in the right frame of mind for anything at the moment. But I'm stuck there and I want to get out.

Reading

Ok, confession time. I hate reading novels.

Well, maybe not all of them, but I've been stung by enough bad novels to lay off them for a while. I've been recommended books by friends that I've started reading but often I can't get past the half way point. I get bored of them. Case in point; I was given 'The Hobbit' to read once, a 'classic'. I couldn't finish it, having to make up stupid tunes for their inane songs they burst out singing all. the. time. I'm sorry, I wasn't told I would be doing homework whist reading this book. A friend of mine lent me the 'Twilight' series, ugh - what is that all about? I got a chapter in before I realised I'd wasted 5 minutes of my life I would rather have spent shelling peas or watching paint dry or something else more thrilling. It gets me so angry to think I've wasted perfectly good sitting-doing-nothing time by reading crap and it boils down to this; there are far more fascinating stories out there to be told that you don't need to go making shit up.

I love reading, when I read I have several books on the go at once. (I think I get bored easily). You may think a lack of story books would limit what I read, but it really doesn't. There are books for learning practical skills, autobiographies, travel books, poetry books, philosophy books, lifestyle books. Basically, every kind of book except made-up.

In my heart of hearts I know I'm restricting myself by cutting out novels and I will go back at some point, just avoid all the fantastical crap, but in my defense, the twighlight thing was before the films came out and I had no idea what they were about (to be honest at one chapter in it hadn't started to get that warewolfy or vampirey yet, it was just shit). Just bad fucking writing - and if you have read this far you can see I know something about bad writing (!)

So I write this post and send it out to the universe with one wish; please, book publishers - have a heart, no more terrible books, I am defeated!

Russell Brand Quote on Woolwich murder

I saw this posted on Facebook this morning and had to share. This is exactly my feeling towards the aftermath.

"I caught up with the sad malice in Woolwich and felt compelled to tweet in casual defense of the Muslim community who were being haphazardly condemned by a few people on my time line. Perhaps a bit glibly (but what isn’t glib in 140 characters) I put “That bloke is a nut. A nut who happens to be Muslim. Blaming Muslims for this is like blaming Hitler’s moustache for the Holocaust”.


As an analogy it is imperfect but I was frightened by how negative and incendiary the mood felt and I rushed. I’m not proposing we sit around trying to summons up cute analogies when Lee Rigby has lost his life in horrific circumstances I simply feel that it is important that our reaction is measured. Something about the arbitrary brutality, the humdrum high-street setting, the cool rhetoric of the blood stained murderer evoke a powerful and inherently irrational response. When I first heard the word “beheading” I felt the atavistic grumble that we all feel. This is inhumane, taboo, not a result of passion but of malice, ritualistic. “If this is happening to guiltless men on our streets it could happen to me” I thought.


Then I watched the mobile phone clip. In spite of his dispassionate intoning the subject is not rational, of course he’s not rational, he’s just murdered a stranger in the street, he says, because of a book.


In my view that man is severely mentally ill and has found a convenient conduit for his insanity, in this case the Quran. In the case of another mentally ill and desperate man, Mark Chapman, it was A Catcher In The Rye. This was the nominated text for his rationalisation of the murder of John Lennon. I’ve read that book and I’ve read some of the Quran and nothing in either of them has compelled me to do violence. Perhaps this is because I lack the other necessary ingredients for extreme anti social behaviour; mental illness and isolation; either economic, social or both.


After my Hitler tweet I got involved in a bit of back and forth with a few people who said stuff like “the murderer said himself he did it for Islam”. Although I wouldn’t dismiss what he’s saying entirely I think he forfeited the right to have his views received unthinkingly when he murdered a stranger in the street. Someone else regarding my tweet said “Hitler’s moustache didn’t invent an ideology that sanctions murder”. That is thankfully true but Islam when practiced by normal people is not an advocacy for violence. “People all over the world are killing in the name of Islam” someone added. This is the most tricky bit to understand. What I think is that all over our country, all over our planet there are huge numbers of people who feel alienated and sometimes victimised by the privileged and the powerful, whether that’s rich people, powerful corporations or occupying nations. They feel that their interests are not being represented and, in many cases, know that their friends and families are being murdered by foreign soldiers. I suppose people like that may look to their indigenous theology for validation and to sanctify their, to some degree understandable, feelings of rage.Comparable, I suppose to the way that homophobes feel a prejudicial pang in their tummies then look to the bible to see if there’s anything in there to justify it. There is, a piddling little bit in Leviticus. The main narrative thrust of The Bible though, like most spiritual texts, including the Quran is; be nice to each other because we’re all the same.


When some football fans smash up shops and beat each other up that isn’t because of football or football clubs. It’s because loads of white, working class men have been culturally neglected and their powerful tribal instincts end up getting sloshed about in riotous lager carnivals. I love football, I love West Ham, I’ve never been involved in football violence because I don’t feel that it’s my only access to social power. Also I’m not that hard and I’m worried I’d get my head kicked in down the New Den.


What the English Defence League and other angry, confused people are doing and advocating now, violence against mosques, Muslims, proliferation of hateful rhetoric is exactly what that poor, sick, murderous man, blood soaked on a peaceful street, was hoping for in his desperate, muddled mind.


The extremists on both sides have a shared agenda; cause division, distrust, anger and violence. Both sides have the same intention. We cannot allow them to distort our perception.


The establishment too is relatively happy when different groups of desperate people point the finger at each other because it prevents blame being correctly directed at them. Whenever we are looking for the solution to a problem we must identify who has power. By power I mean influence and money. The answer is not for us to move further from one another, crouched in opposing fortresses constructed from vindictive words. We need now to move closer to one another, to understand one another. If we can take anything heartening from this dreadful attack it is of course the actions of the three women, it’s always women, that boldly guarded Lee Rigby’s body as he lay needlessly murdered. These women looked beyond the fear and chaos and desperation and attuned instead to a higher code. One of virtue, integrity and strength.


To truly demonstrate defiance in the face of this sad violence, we must be loving and compassionate to one another. Let’s look beyond our superficial and fleeting differences. The murderers want angry patriots to desecrate mosques and perpetuate violence. How futile their actions seem if we instead leave flowers at each other’s places of worship. Let’s reach out in the spirit of love and humanity and connect to one another, perhaps we will then see what is really behind this conflict, this division, this hatred and make that our focus."


Russell Brand
May 25th, 2013

People with their own agenda prey on the fears of others, whatever they claim to believe so they can justify their actions is secondary. Their actions are out of their own fear and hate, they have been preyed upon similarly earlier in life by people who saw their weakness of spirit and exploited it.

The initial fears of all these individual groups spiral into further and wider differences until something truly awful happens and it becomes a starting point for a whole load of more hate. The common ground in all this ugliness is fear and hate, its up to all of us to show love and kindness to counteract the hate, don't become an angry mob as a reaction to an angry mob or individual.

This is something I need to think about, as I said, I believe all that is written above, but when I heard about the EDL and the BNP's marches I felt the hate rise in my stomach, I absolutely abhor such causes. We need to recognise that these events are borne out of fear.

I understand people are afraid when horrible things happen and there is no explanation for it, but to react with the same lack of understanding and fear is never the answer. We teach our children to be kind to one and other, to get on and be friends. As adults we need to listen to our own advice, not our fears.

Today

Something happened today, there were no fireworks, no lines in the sand, nothing shocking or amazing to change my world view, but I felt something shift inside of me. You know that feeling you get when you have an epiphane, that feeling of butterflies in our stomach, a pounding in your chest, like you need to scream to let it out.

I should explain something before I start, my name is Charlotte and I am a Formula One addict. It started quite late on really, I remember seeing a few grands prix on the TV when I was a kid from a distance when my brother watched them, but I was never into it. I've never been much of a car person. When I met my now fiance he watched Formula One and out of trying to find a shared interest I watched with him. The more I learnt about the sport, the cars, thte drivers, the stratergies the more interested I became, and now almost ten years down the line I'm hooked. I watch ever race, I even book my annual leave around the racing calendar and I'd be lying if I said the fact races are on the weekend wasn't one of the factors why I'm looking to change jobs to a regular Mon-Fri as a pose to the shifts I do now.

So here's what happened. I was watching the Monaco Grand Prix on the BBC today and I made a decision; I want to be there. I will be there! My target is that I will get myself to the Monaco Grand Prix. I need a goal to aim for and this is it.

You may feel this is a modest goal, you may even feel this is a pathetic goal to aim for. But this represents so much more than the 1121 miles it is to Monte Carlo. This represents a dream I have, this is a measure of my success. A target to look towards, in the same way as if I was loosing weight this would be my goal weight.

Life currently is a bit shit to be honest, my fiance lost his job at the end of April and we're getting by on savings (not that many) and a HELL of a lot of budgeting. So whilst we're living on the slimmest of budgets, a trip anywhere is out of the question, this dream means a lot to me, it's a representation of the hope that I have that life gets a little easier. We've lived off very little before, but we have a lot more to loose now, we have a house, a mortgage, a pretty non-existent dream of a family. my crazy idea of re-training is definitely on the back burner. You know, once I wrote it all down I realised how depressing it sounds and I'm not sure I want to go any further with this subject at the moment, but suffice to say, I need a dream.

I've started knitting and crocheting my own designed garments, I'm thinking of setting up an etsy shop or something, perhaps do some sewing as well. I have an idea for some dope-ass looking jeans (well, I think they are), I should get back into sewing things. You know, the problem with me is I think I'm relatively creative but I just don't seem to have the vision to stick to anything. I have an idea of having a clothing/accessories/home decor shop, I even know what I'm going to call it and how its going to look, but I don't have the stamina to stick to the idea, I wouldn't know where to start. I wish I had more focus, Ok, if I'm gonna start wishing for things - I wish I win the lottery (!).

Well, those are my thoughts on this Sunday night at ten to midnight, maybe during the night I'll come up with my answers to how I'm going to get to where I want to be. Goodnight.

Update

O.k, so I finally pulled my finger out and have done something about my life. Partly because I broke down in front of my boss saying I couldn't handle shift work any more, which is kind of true. It must have fit into my life at some point, after all; I've been doing it for seven years (mostly) without issue. But it gets so draining sometimes; I don't have a regular sleep pattern due to early shifts following lates and vice versa; there's a lot more pressure on to complete reviews, appraisals etc at the same time as leading a shift; I could go on but, ya know... I can handle being busy and doing lots, but Charlotte needs her sleep! I don't even need that much, 6 hours is fine - I just need the consistency that a 'regular job' allows.

Anyways, as much as I like going on tangents I was telling a story. I made the first step towards a new career in teaching by filling out the registration for the Graduate Teacher Training Register. I've chosen my options and done my research. It looks like it would be tight affording it leave my job and study but I think we can afford it if we cut down on a few things (which starts after we pay our latest energy bill, DOUBLE the last one!!! This cold never ending winter really took its toll).

So now its all about saving cash and money making schemes. Saving money I can do easily, but I am in no way a business person, making money off my own back is a bit of a mystery. All I can think is that you make stuff and sell it. The whats, hows and wheres are a mystery. I think that's the next problem to solve.