Ramblings

Without wanting to turn my little blog into one big pity party (however isn't that what personal blogs are?) I am yet again going to have a vent.

The past few weeks I've been feeling really disconnected with my job and what I want to do. I know I've outgrown the job I've had for the past four and a half years and I think in some respect I may have even outgrown the sector I work in. The next challenge is what to do next.

I'm completely stuck, I don't even know what I'm good at any more, I've just allowed myself to drift further away from the person I want to be, so far that I can't see it any more, I don't even know what direction I should be pointing in.

I feel stuck and I can't turn around. I keep waiting for a sign of what to do next, or thinking of what I enjoy doing and perhaps I could follow that? But I've allowed myself to be consumed by this job, it takes up all my time, when I'm at work, when I'm away. I work shifts all over the place and have no consistency in sleeping, eating, I don't see my friends anymore. I'm constantly tired and I've been putting off important things like going to the doctors or getting my car serviced because I just don't have any drive to do anything when I'm away from work.

I just feel like I need a break to think about where to go next, but when I'm away from work it takes so long to catch up with everyday things like tidying the house, doing the washing etc that any down time I get I can't bring myself to think of anything pro-active like try to figure out what I want to do.

I have pipe dreams like becoming a writer or a poet, or travelling, or being an illustrator. It's all just noise though because I don't know where to focus and I'm afraid that I'm just making these ideas up because I'm day dreaming about not doing what I'm currently doing. I'm too much of a daydreamer to focus on changing my circumstances.

I've been applying for other jobs. I had one interview almost straight away which threw me. It was on the morning of my birthday and I was already working a 24hr shift at work from 2. I hate interviews so much, I get beyond nervous, I always feel like crying afterwards (and usually do), I never feel like I get everything out that I wanted to say because I feel myself starting to well-up and have to pull myself back in-check.

As it happens I got an email about a week later saying I hadn't achieved. I was gutted, I still am gutted. I don't know if it was because didn't get the job or because I had a prospective end in sight that got whipped away from me and for the foreseeable future I'm going to remain where I am. I honestly don't think I can stay much longer. It's slowly turning me into a basket case. I don't want my performance to affect my place of work, but its starting to. I've mentally checked out but I have nowhere to turn.

The thing that frustrates me is that I really enjoy working hard for something. I enjoy challenges and don't quit when something's difficult. But I've lost my passion. I've lost my passion for everything. It frustrates me that one imbalance can throw everything else off so much that I can't even see the direction I want to take.

I feel trapped that I'm the main bread-winner and there's an income that we have to achieve to pay the bills each month that's just taken a knock with one of us losing a job and the new one being less well paid. I feel like a bitch for complaining about something so first-world-problem-y.

I just know I don't want to be where I am and I don't know how to get out of it. The answer may be really simple and staring me in the face but I really can't see it. I'm making excuses, I'm sure I am. But I can't see beyond them. I'm starting to wish I'd just get in an accident or something just so I can get away for a few weeks - and I know that's not a normal thing to think, so why am I thinking it so often? I'm not in the right frame of mind for anything at the moment. But I'm stuck there and I want to get out.